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I fucked that up .. .
Oct. 27th, 2013 12:01 pmThere has been little response to my "manifesto" to the Coven. Some folks have said absolutely nothing, a couple have said just a few sentences, one has expressed hurt and anger. I was worried that people would no longer want to be in Coven with me, but I really wasn't expecting anyone to be hurt. In fact, I repeatedly expressed my love and respect of everyone involved - and they were genuine expressions, not some sort of "spoon full of sugar to help the medicine go down" fakery. Still, someone is hurt, and in return I feel bad, and last night/this morning I have been going over it again and again, wondering if I could have gotten my point across more clearly and without hurting anyone. And the answer is, yes, probably. I am not sure how, but yeah, a five page manifesto in an email is probably not the best way of communicating these things. Of course, I was working with what I was given - folks wanted to have this discussion online, which I opposed, but that was what people wanted and that is what people got.
In reviewing it I also have to own up to something. Part of my dumping was just me needing to get this off my chest and maybe find a little hope that things will get better. But I must also admit that a big part of it was me wanting to blow this whole thing apart. I mean, I did use the phrase "bomb dropped" in my last post. I think a part of me was (is) just so sick of the dampening of the group energy, and the resulting stagnation, for over a DECADE that I threw a stick of dynamite into the middle of the whole thing - and ducked. And now I frankly don't feel very good about that. I don't like war, especially not with people I care about.
*Sigh*
Another pattern playing out. I went to a Halloween costume party last night. It was at the home of one of Dean's sort-of friends. I didn't want to go. I don't do costumes. I don't do parties. I don't do people Dean likes. Plus, I so wanted to go to Miami this weekend, but the "must do" list was too long, I was too tired, and fiances are tight, so I decided that I couldn't swing it, which of course left me in a pissy mood to start with. So no, I was not in the mood for a party with strangers, but as it turned out, it was a decent time. These people live in a typical suburban subdivision, but their yard backs up to a pond, and thanks to a sunny day and cold evening, a mist rose from the pond the entire party - how cool for a Halloween party! I didn't have a costume, so I wore a ritual robe, which felt like blasphemy, and a mask that I quickly ditched because I couldn't have a conversation with anyone through that dame thing. Pretty much everyone there was in their thirties/early forties, most of them cave divers because that is Dean's friend's peers. They were all dynamic, energetic, intelligent, interesting, and responsible drinkers. And nearly all the men were hot. Much different from Dean's usual crew. Cowans though, and it felt odd to be in a robe around a bonfire and it not involve wichery.
Anyway, pattern: So, because I was grumpy anyway, as described above, and because Dean committed me to this party without even asking me, I whined a bit - not much - about going, gave him a few eye rolls when he mentioned it, Dean therefore apparently thought it fair game to tell our hosts - REPEATEDLY- that I hadn't wanted to come, exagerating my protestations. In other words, making me look like an asshole. Which he does all the time with his friends. It is a pattern I recognize, it's been around for years, and it still pisses me off.
Patterns. I'll stop there, except to say that there are many more patterns coming to the surface lately, and I blame Seership! Yesterday, as I was processing and exploring some of the stuff that has been coming up lately, I was hit with a question - do I really want to do this? Is self awareness and self work all that its cracked up to be? Would it not be easier and a whole lot more fun to just move through life in sweet delusion? What will all this hard work come do when in the end I will be just be dead anyway?
In reviewing it I also have to own up to something. Part of my dumping was just me needing to get this off my chest and maybe find a little hope that things will get better. But I must also admit that a big part of it was me wanting to blow this whole thing apart. I mean, I did use the phrase "bomb dropped" in my last post. I think a part of me was (is) just so sick of the dampening of the group energy, and the resulting stagnation, for over a DECADE that I threw a stick of dynamite into the middle of the whole thing - and ducked. And now I frankly don't feel very good about that. I don't like war, especially not with people I care about.
*Sigh*
Another pattern playing out. I went to a Halloween costume party last night. It was at the home of one of Dean's sort-of friends. I didn't want to go. I don't do costumes. I don't do parties. I don't do people Dean likes. Plus, I so wanted to go to Miami this weekend, but the "must do" list was too long, I was too tired, and fiances are tight, so I decided that I couldn't swing it, which of course left me in a pissy mood to start with. So no, I was not in the mood for a party with strangers, but as it turned out, it was a decent time. These people live in a typical suburban subdivision, but their yard backs up to a pond, and thanks to a sunny day and cold evening, a mist rose from the pond the entire party - how cool for a Halloween party! I didn't have a costume, so I wore a ritual robe, which felt like blasphemy, and a mask that I quickly ditched because I couldn't have a conversation with anyone through that dame thing. Pretty much everyone there was in their thirties/early forties, most of them cave divers because that is Dean's friend's peers. They were all dynamic, energetic, intelligent, interesting, and responsible drinkers. And nearly all the men were hot. Much different from Dean's usual crew. Cowans though, and it felt odd to be in a robe around a bonfire and it not involve wichery.
Anyway, pattern: So, because I was grumpy anyway, as described above, and because Dean committed me to this party without even asking me, I whined a bit - not much - about going, gave him a few eye rolls when he mentioned it, Dean therefore apparently thought it fair game to tell our hosts - REPEATEDLY- that I hadn't wanted to come, exagerating my protestations. In other words, making me look like an asshole. Which he does all the time with his friends. It is a pattern I recognize, it's been around for years, and it still pisses me off.
Patterns. I'll stop there, except to say that there are many more patterns coming to the surface lately, and I blame Seership! Yesterday, as I was processing and exploring some of the stuff that has been coming up lately, I was hit with a question - do I really want to do this? Is self awareness and self work all that its cracked up to be? Would it not be easier and a whole lot more fun to just move through life in sweet delusion? What will all this hard work come do when in the end I will be just be dead anyway?
